Things Nobody Talks About: Sex Faces and ‘Large’ Condoms

This is a fictionalised conversation, with blog post elements, containing remarks from various chats I’ve had with people. It’s the first in what will hopefully be a new series of collaborations with others on topics people should talk about more, either because they’re funny, or because they’re isolating to think about alone.

Friend 1: You know what I was thinking about the other day? Men’s sex faces.

Friend 2: Why were you thinking about that?!

Friend 1: I was overtired, and getting frustrated by stupid things. But really: why do men sometimes make such weird faces during sex? There’s the constipated look.

Friend 3: And the very serious, intense concentration look. Are we having sex or are you doing some complicated maths?

Friend 1: Or bored. An ex had a default bored face, and he always looked slightly bored during sex.

Friend 2: Ugh, like total poker face.

Friend 1: What, no expression at all?

Friend 3: Serial killer face?

Friend 2: Yes. It was so weird. You look up, or down, or whatever, and he’s just staring at you totally blank like you just made a joke he didn’t get.

Friend 1: Oh dear. That sounds awful.

Friend 2: It was really disconcerting. I just shut my eyes in the end.

Friend 3: I slept with a guy whose jaw slid to the side, so he had a really lopsided face all the way through. It would move over “on entry,” as it were, and stay there until the exit.

Friend 2: Oh my god, how did you not laugh?!

Friend 3: I think I shut my eyes too.

Friend 1: Why do they do all these weird things? Is it because they don’t get taught what to do by films and stuff? I feel like women get lots of inspiration from films because every film you ever see with a sex scene the woman has the same expression: eyes shut, lips parted…

Friend 2: Head thrown back…

Friend 3: MAKE SOME NOISE!

Friend 1: But men: you never see their sex faces in films. And in real life there’s such a wide range. And so many of them are PRETTY odd.

Friend 2: I know why it is.

Friend 1: Why?

Friend 2: They’re putting no thought into it whatsoever. Absolutely zero. They just don’t care.

Friend 3: Oh god, you’re right. Here we are talking it to death and it will never have occurred to them to worry about it.

Friend 1: That’s such a good point. God! Must be so peaceful not to have endless thoughts like: Am I getting cramp in my foot? Did I remember to shave my whole legs, and not just the bottom halves?

Friend 2: My elbow/wrist/knee is going to be ruined after this.

Friend 3: What’s he thinking? What am I thinking?

Friend 2: Well, maybe they are thinking those things, but I think primarily they’re thinking: this is nice.

Friend 1: How lovely. Do you think women make weird faces too? I’m going to worry about that as well now.

Friend 3: Oh for crying out loud, stop thinking!

Friend 1: You’re right.

Friend 2: Okay, I have another question, although I’m pretty sure I know the answer to it. What do you do with a condom left over from a previous relationship, which he left behind at yours, which says ‘Large’ on it?

Friend 3: Haha!! Did he need it?!

Friend 2: Of course not. A normal condom will fit over someone’s head. It definitely wasn’t bigger than somebody’s head.

Friend 1: Thank Christ for that.

Friend 3: Well you can never present that to a future partner as you’re getting down to it.

Friend 2: No, that’s what I thought. “Oh, do you need a condom? I’ve got this EXTRA LARGE one someone left here that you can try…”

Friend 1: Oh dear me no, that would be game over, and I wouldn’t blame him either.

Friend 3: No, it would be like you’re just about to have sex and then suddenly he says, “by the way, the last person was super hot and ridiculously good in bed.”

Friend 2: But he wasn’t ridiculously good.

Friend 3: No, but that’s what ‘LARGE’ condom implies, isn’t it?

Friend 1: Yeah it really does. I don’t actually understand all this business about wanting a massive penis when the average woman is only about 3-4 inches deep – although apparently the vagina expands a lot during sex. But still, it’s not necessary. And sometimes, much after 4 inches or so it’s just like, oh good, you’re banging against my cervix. Thanks very much.

Friend 3: If he was banging against your cervix you may not have been turned on enough, if it’s supposed to expand when you’re good and ready.

Friend 1: Yes, well, that used to happen occasionally. “I’d really rather not, I have to go to work.” “But we haven’t done it for ages!” “But I’ll be late for work.” “But I really want to!” Oh FINE.

Friend 3: That’s not cool. You should have told him to sort himself out.

Friend 1: I know. I was too nice.

Friend 2: The fact they make ‘large’ condoms is stupid, the normal ones are perfectly adequate, surely. Wasn’t there a girl who stretched condoms over her leg to the knee to shut down any guy who said that he couldn’t wear one because they were too small and they hurt? So really what this condom is saying is that I’ve been sleeping with someone who’s a massive dick in another sense, in believing he actually needs to buy vast condoms.

Friend 1: Just had a mental image of a condom the size of a house. Thanks for that.

Friend 3: You’re right, no good can come of pulling out this condom. He’ll be intimidated or think you’ve been going out with a total arsehole.

Friend 2: But he was a total arsehole.

Friend 3: Well, yes, but you can tell him about it in a nicer way than saying he thought he needed gigantic condoms. Agreed?

Friend 2: Agreed. I’ll throw it out. It’s some weird foreign make anyway. He probably only bought it because it was cheap.

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